


Shadows of the Past

by TheBroadie



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: LGBT, M/M, travett
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:55:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23465059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBroadie/pseuds/TheBroadie
Summary: There are always more sides to the story. Emmett's behaviour may seem rude to you but you don't know the whole story. Yet.
Relationships: Emmett Dixon/Travis Montgomery
Comments: 26
Kudos: 77





	1. A Childhood Friend

The phone buzzes in my pocket and I reach for it, hoping it’s a text from Travis, but there’s a different name, shining on that screen.

ALICIA: Are you still up for the diner today? Looking forward to it, Little Rabbit.

My heart starts racing and I throw my phone away. I run my fingers through my hair and exhale. This is torture. I feel physically sick. I feel like I could die any minute because there’s this pain in my chest and I can’t figure out how to breathe properly. It feels like a million tons just sitting on my chest. I can’t… breathe.

As I’m trying to remember all those panic attack breathing exercises, I’m also struggling to figure out how to cancel that dinner without hurting Alicia. I’m not completely heartless, you know. I really care about her… Just not in the way I should care about my girlfriend.

It should have been just an affair for a few weeks. She fell in love with me and I wanted to try it because I struggled with my sexuality. Plus, I still lived with my parents back then and my father wouldn’t shut up about the fact that I still didn’t have a girlfriend. So, we got together, and it was really nice for a few weeks, but it wasn’t that rom-com love we are used to.

But I couldn’t bring myself to break up with her. I still can’t. She’s amazing, incredibly kind and… my father is finally proud of me. Probably for the first time in my life.

But when I saw Travis for the first time, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I’ve never felt anything stronger than the feelings I have for him. And… And it freaks me out. I could have pretended that everything is fine before… that I love Alicia… that I love women. But I can’t anymore. I am gay. My orientation is ‘wrong’.

If my father finds out, I’m dead. He can’t hit me as he used to when I was young, but he could cut me off, make my life a living hell.

_When I was sixteen, I had a friend. I went to church every Sunday with my family and his family were going to the same one. He was really nice, and he visited us every week after the mass. My parents were quite happy about it because they wanted me to have a friend from a catholic family. A friend with the right values in life._

_One day, he told me there was something really wrong with him. He told me he doesn’t admire lightly dressed women when he’s watching movies. That he enjoys naked chest of Hollywood actors instead. We talked about him and I supported him. I told him not to be afraid because we only live once. I told him there’s not enough time in life to love the wrong person. I was so foolish._

_My friend… his name was Ted; he went to the same school as I did but he was one year older than me. He soon found a boyfriend in his class and I was so jealous of their happiness._

_He thanked me for my advice and a few weeks later he confided in me that he was ready to come out to his parents. I supported him again and I was really happy for him. I thought it was great that he’s finally happy. I didn’t know what was gonna happen to a catholic kid who comes out as gay._

_He wasn’t at church the next week. I was wondering what happened to him, but I didn’t have the balls to ask his parents. I was young and a bit stupid so I was worried they may have killed him or something like that._

_When he didn’t show up the next Sunday, I found the courage to ask my father. I thought Ted got hurt or that he’s sick. My father got all serious and he took me to his office._

_“Sit down, son.” He said._

_He told me Ted was mentally ill. That he suffers from a serious mental sickness called homosexuality. He said that it’s not hopeless, psychologists can cure it. I can remember that moment bright and clear because it was the moment when I knew I had to eradicate all my homosexual tendencies. If my father says it’s possible to cure homosexuality, I can do it myself._

_I didn’t know anything about the methods they use to turn gay people straight back then. I knew nothing about conversion camps. Horrible places where they bully you until you’re ashamed of yourself. Where they tell you you’re a sinner if you like the same gender._

_Ted came back a few weeks later and he was a completely different person. My father was happy that he was able to get ‘normal’ and he invited him to our house again. Ted seemed happy but every time he entered my room – his safe place, the smile faded, and he told me these crazy messed up stories from the camp._

_He found himself a girlfriend, I’ve seen them around the school, trading sweet kisses… they seemed happy to me, so I told myself that maybe… just maybe the pain from the camp was worth it after all. I convinced myself that everything is in order now._

_I was so blind._

_He showed up at my house one Saturday afternoon and I was happy about it. He seemed fine so we ate a slice of pie my mother made and then we went to my room and played some videogames. It was great._

_But then we finished the round and we found ourselves in some weird silence. He looked in my eyes and I tried to look away. Before I noticed, he moved closer to me and gave me a soft kiss on my lips._

_I completely froze and I think I looked like a broken machine. I didn’t know what to say._

_Ted moved away from him and he slapped himself. He was so angry with himself he started crying._

_“I’m a monster” he whispered._

_I should have said something nice. I should have told him he’s not a monster. I should have told him he’s not alone._

_“I think you should go” I whispered, and I rubbed my mouth with the back of my hand as if I could erase the kiss._

_“Emmett?” he whispered._

_“Go! There’s no room for faggots like you at our house!” I answered. Dad would be proud, I thought. He would be happy I said this._

_Ted left and I haven’t seen him ever again. He didn’t show up at church the next day and neither did his parents. When I think about it, I haven’t seen them ever again either. It took a few weeks before I found out what happened to Ted. That evening I told him to leave… he took his father’s razor and waited until his family slept. He was found dead the next morning._

_His name was a forbidden word ever since that day. According to my father, Ted was a sinner. Not only was he gay but he also committed suicide and God apparently doesn’t like that. I wonder how my father knows what God likes and doesn’t like._

_I’m just thinking whether he liked when my father beat the crap out of me when I accidentally broke mom’s vase. Or when he talked shit about our friends from church…_

I killed Ted. I have his blood on my hands and I admit it. I took my penance seriously and I tried to be a good person. I really did. I found a girlfriend and I respect my father. I am a good person.

At least I was. I tried. But then I crossed path with Travis Montgomery and now I have to live with the consequences.


	2. 2. The Struggle of Being an Artist

You’re still here? So, you don’t think I’m a heartless monster. Excellent. At least someone with this opinion.

Everyone handles their problems differently. Some people like to scream, other people punch the walls, I paint. When I was a kid, I used to scribble stuff all the time. I was always covered in marker stains and finger paint. My mum was proud of me and my father… my father is a very interesting person; you already know why.  
When I was five, one day decided that papers aren’t enough for me. My father was in the living room and I was alone in my room, so I decided to paint on my wall. My tiny fingers were trying to paint Seattle’s Space Needle during sunset, but you know how small children paint. I created a huge stain that looked like everything and nothing in one, but I was pretty proud of it.

My happiness wasn’t long-lasting though. It took only a few minutes before my father decided to check on me. He came into my room with a strict look on his face. I looked up to him with my blue eyes and I immediately knew that something was wrong.

“Emmett you promised me, you won’t be naughty ever again,” he said with a strict scary voice.

“But look, daddy, it’s the Space Needle!” I pointed towards my artwork.

“I don’t care, Emmett! You ruined the wall and daddy’s gonna have to pay a lot of money to get that thing repainted. I am really upset.”

“I’m so sorry, dad. I thought you were going to like it,” I cried.

“Show me those naughty hands, Emmett, rules are rules,” he says as he unbuckles his belt.

I show him my hands, still all covered in that paint. Father examines them.

“And you’re gonna get daddy’s belt all dirty, that’s excellent.”

After that, he punished me in a way he almost always did. He took his belt and he whipped my hands a few times with it. I screamed and cried but it only made it worse. I learned that the hard way. When I got older, I stopped screaming and fighting and father got bored more easily. 

“Michael!” I heard my mum’s voice.

“Look what that spoiled brat did!” My father shouted and he whipped my hands once more.

“Let him be, please. It’s his room. As long as he’s painting in his room, I’m fine with it. And look, it’s quite nice.”

I thought she was my guardian angel back then because if she hadn’t come, my hands would be in much worse shape than they actually were.

The scars on my hands healed in a couple of weeks, much faster than the scars on my heart. My father never found out, but my mom bought me a set of watercolours a few days later to make my pain go away. I was allowed to use them only when my father wasn’t home, but it was still worth it. I loved those paints.

My first mural stayed on that wall and as time went, I painted others, better ones. All of them after Ted’s death. I needed a distraction, and nothing was better than painting. I love playing with colours, smashing the paint onto the canvas without thinking… It even filled my needs which weren’t filled in another way. It also gave me a feeling that I’m safe, even when the rest of my house was a battlefield.

When it was time to choose a school, I decided to study art history, my father was so mad. That’s one of the reasons I was glad for dating Alicia. Father was happy and I could study art in peace. I didn’t have to listen to his stupid crap no more. 

“C’mon Emmett. Do you really want to study a subject like art?” he asked in a friendly tone at first.

“Yes, I have decided… My mum said I can.”

“Mum… MUM. But I’m the one who has to pay for it, right? Emmett, art school is full of stupid homosexuals.”

Ok, dad. So, what if I’m one of them, huh? What if I am the one thing you hate so much? All your life you try to fight against gay rights, and you don’t even notice there may be one in your own damn house. You’re a clown dad, stupid, hilarious clown.

“Are you suggesting that I’m a…?” I start to defend myself.

“NO! Oh god, no, I would never allow my only son to become gay.”

As if it was your choice. Daddy.

Luckily, my mom comes and finally makes the decision.

“Come on, Michael, be sensible. We both know he’s not a very good student. He’ll never be a doctor or something like that. But this boy… this boy can paint better than everyone I know. This is his chance to really become someone great.”

“Fine. But if you bring home any bad grades, you’re going to the police academy,” he says.

A that was it. It was probably one of the happiest days of my life. I had to sit through some stupid things my father said but, in the end, the only thing that matters is that I could study art history just as I wanted.

That night I decided to paint the last blank space on my wall. My thing is usually abstract art but that night… that night I decided to create something more real than ever. I decided to paint a forest with the sun glowing through the trees. But the most important aspect was a fading rainbow on the sky. It never clicked to my father. One possible explanation would be that he doesn’t care for my art at all and the other one is that he’s just a dumb idiot.

But to clear this up, I thought I was bisexual back then. I liked boys, but sometimes there was some girl that caught my eye. So, I said to myself that it was okay. I could still find myself a wife and nobody will ever know that I’m not straight.

My plan was good, but it blew up in my face the first time I slept with Alicia. I’m somehow able to get things done in the bed but it doesn’t give me the pleasure like it’s supposed to. It doesn’t please me like the sleepovers with Travis.

And… we’re back to my sad reality. Back to the dilemma. Should I choose Alicia and have a happy father or choose Travis and make my father super mad?

When Travis took me home for the first time, I didn’t really know what to expect. I knew how gay sex works… kinda. But I’ve never tried it so I hoped it would be terrible and I would find out that hetero sex is better. I don’t know if Travis knew he was my first, but he was a gentleman. It hurt a little but, in the end, the thing that really made me nervous was that I loved it. I loved the connection, I loved how I felt…

When I got home the next day, I started working on a new painting, about which Alicia recently said that it was her personal favourite. If she knew it’s supposed to portray the beauty of a connection between two males, she would probably be surprised. There’s magic in art. I have the power to use the spell which hides emotions in my painting and only those who have the key can see them. It’s extraordinary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for every kudos and comment, I appreciate each and every one of them <3


	3. 3. Everything Happens For A Reason

My father believes that every bad thing happens to us happens for a reason. And it’s true in certain cases, things end up better than it first seemed.  
Last time I told you about my short but sweet artist career. I graduated from that school as a valedictorian and my head was full of ambition. I was dreaming about being a well-known artist and having a lot of commissions. But I think that everyone who knows something about working as a full-time artist would tell you that it’s not that easy. I had no commissions and the only person who bought one of my artworks was my aunt who felt sorry for me.  
It was a wakeup call for me and my dreams. I felt terrible. I thought I was a disappointment. Luckily I had Alicia who comforted me and provided me with some feeling of safety.  
“Don’t worry, little rabbit. My parents will help you pay the rent and I’m sure you’ll get some great commissions.” She said.  
“But what if you’re wrong? My father’s gonna kill me.”  
She hugged me and we snuggled on my bed. I was really glad I have her even though she was more like a best friend to me. That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to tell her about my struggles. I don’t want to lose her.   
Let’s get back to me and my career.  
My father wasn’t really pleased with my situation, but as you know by now, that’s not really surprising. I tried to find a solution for a few weeks, and it was the time when father left the police department and became a fire chief because the last one tragically died or something. Father was happy that he could boss around so many people and it also gave him the stupidest idea of all. One day he showed up on my doorstep and told me he signed me up for a fire academy training.  
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea, dad,” I said to him and looked down so he couldn’t stab me with his eyes.  
“But of course, it is. Come on, do it so daddy can be proud of you. I’m sure you want that, right Emmett?”  
My mind went dark and the only thing I could think about was a memory of this sentence and the day I heard it for the first time.  
“Come on, Emmett. Daddy will be so proud of you and I’m sure you don’t want to disappoint him, right?” I can hear him say it like I’m eight years old again. Having a dad who works as a cop is bad but having a dad who is a cop and a bully is a living hell.  
That time it was about me joining a karate team in my school. My father wanted me to do some real sport and this felt like a good opportunity. I was a small kid and I really wanted my daddy to be proud of me. I wanted it more than anything else.  
“I want you to be proud of me,” I answered with a big smile and I went to sign up the very next day.  
The first training was fun. I would rather be home drawing, but it wasn’t terrible. I had more than enough energy and my parents were glad I got to spend some of it during the training sessions.  
All was good until the first competition came. It was just a friendly competition between the teammates, but my father insisted on me winning, so he could be proud of me.  
But if you know me at all, you probably know I can be a bit clumsy sometimes and this day wasn’t an exception. My teammate kicked me in my face, and I ended up laying on the floor, crying. I was so ashamed I ran away from the gym with my face full of tears.  
It only took a few moments until my father got up and he started looking for me. I thought he was going to ask me if I was okay but that wasn’t his intention at all.  
“Oh, here you are, Emmett. I hope you will remember this moment and you will never embarrass yourself and your poor dad like this ever again!”  
I looked away but my father grabbed my wrist and he forced me to look in his eyes. I shook my head and then something really bad happened. I started feeling really sick and I vomited all over my father’s shoes. Most parents would comfort their children and they would say that it’s okay, but this wasn’t my father’s case.   
“Look what you’ve done! Are you kidding me, Emmett? We are going home. Now.” He shouted and he smacked my face.  
I didn’t say a word on the way home and neither did my father. But when we got home and I wasn’t able to walk straight. When I walked into a wall instead of a door for the third time, my mom decided I should go to the hospital. I felt absolutely terrible. The doctors said I had a concussion and I had to stay in the hospital until the next day. That wasn’t the worst thing though. I also had to listen to my father telling me how weak I was.  
I know what happens when I’m trying to make my “daddy” proud. And that’s why I was so scared to go to the fire academy.  
But when the day of the first training came just a few weeks later and I still didn’t have a proper job, I knew I had to make my father’s wish come true.  
I have to say that I enjoyed training at the academy but I’m no firefighter. I’m so scared of fire that I want to run away from it, not run right into it. I’m an artist after all. I wanted to quit more times than I can count, but I never did. I just felt like I had a reason to stay.  
Everything bad happens for a good reason. This time, the reason was Travis. If I never became a firefighter, I would have never met Travis again. And being with Travis was definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.  
I met him one night I went drinking by myself. He was sitting at one table with his friends from the station. He seemed sad to me, but he was also incredibly cute. I waited until he was all alone and I went to say hi to him.  
I didn’t know he was a firefighter and he had no idea I was to join his station the next day. I bought him a few drinks and I tried to make it obvious I wasn’t interested in a friendship.  
“So… how do you want this to end?” he asked me when the clock hit midnight.  
That was it. That was my chance to try something I’ve always wanted to try. A chance to decide if this is the way I want to choose. I had to take it.  
“Well… don’t you want to take me home with you?” I asked with a huge smile on my face and I looked into his gorgeous sad eyes.  
He let out a silent laugh and he took my hand. It felt like electricity running through my whole body but in a good way. My pulse became faster and I didn’t quite know what I should do. My hands were shaking a bit but I tried to hide it.  
Travis made me feel things I have never felt before. I knew I liked boys, but this one isn’t just any boy. This one is a man.   
“You don’t have to worry, you scared little rabbit. I’m not going to hurt you.” He said when he noticed my hands were shaking. Then he gave me a smile and that smile made me feel all warm and fuzzy.  
He took me home with him and we didn’t waste time at all. We took our clothes right off and he pushed me to his bed. We were kissing as nothing else mattered anymore. He opened a whole new world to me, and it felt amazing.  
But then he looked at me and asked if I want to continue. I didn’t want to make him suspicious, so I said yes. He kissed me just a few more times and he turned me, so I lied on my stomach. I almost closed my eyes because Travis was right, I was a scared rabbit. It was like the first time all over again but this time it was worse because what if it was better than sleeping with women.  
Oh, and it was. Travis showed me the paradise with his skills. It was so good, really wild but also as tender as possible and I wanted more.   
When I was falling asleep in Travis’s arms that night, I knew I had to do something. That I wasn’t able to live with Alicia anymore.


	4. 4. I Couldn’t Save Her

When I woke up in Travis’s arms the next day, I freaked out. And when I saw his freckled face next to mine, I flinched so much that I woke him up. He quickly opened his eyes and I felt a bit guilty because I’m sure it wasn’t the nicest way to wake someone up in the morning.  
“I… I am sorry,” I said with a really guilty voice and I looked into his deep dark eyes.  
“It’s fine, I have to go to work anyway,” he gave me a soft adorable smile and he pulled the blanket off his gorgeous body. “I’m gonna take a shower.”   
He stood up and I took my last chance.  
“Wait! Could you give me your phone number? Please?”  
Travis chuckled and gave me his number. Then he disappeared into his bathroom and left me alone with my thoughts. And oh, there were many.  
I lied in his bed and my brain was going in full speed. I cheated on Alicia and I should feel guilty, but there was a tiny little problem. I didn’t feel guilty at all. Of course, I knew I had to tell her, but I didn’t care at that moment. I was feeling eternally happy. My heart was beating only for Travis and I enjoyed it way more than I should.  
I was almost as excited as I was when my father took me to the zoo for the first time. He was in a good mood for the first time in forever and he let me run around the pens and imitate animal noises. Yeah, there were some happy moments in my childhood. Only a few, but I cherished each and every one of them. These little pieces of memories made my heart happy and thanks to them, I still believed my father loves me after all.   
It’s strange to believe that someone loves you based only on a few memories, but it works for me. Even though he can be mean, he’s still my dad. And it’s not like he was… abusing me.  
One of the newer memories that stands out was my first day at station 19 when he introduced me to my new team. He was happy and maybe I’m overexaggerating, but I think he was even proud of me. He said that I was pretty but also tough as nails. I don’t think any of that is true, but it was nice of him to say that. But there was something else that caught my eye. Travis.  
There he was. Standing in the middle of my new colleagues, looking at me. I had to smile at him, but he looked a little anxious. Is he mad that I’m a chief’s son? He looked away but I still had eyes only for him.  
I felt hurt because I really liked Travis, but I was trying to keep my cool.  
I tried to approach him during the day so we could talk, but he wasn’t interested. The moment I heard the alarm go off, I was determined to get in the car with Travis so he would have to talk to me. But when I finally got into my turnouts, the rigs were already gone. I felt desperate. I was left alone in the apparatus bay with only our battalion chief standing on the bridge. He told me I had to be faster next time and it broke my heart just a little more.  
It was one of the moments I realize that I’m no cut to be a firefighter. I didn’t want to be one anyway! And being assigned to the best station in the city wasn’t a good idea either. They just left me here without thinking about it. I was useless and they knew it.  
I had to show them I can do this. Especially with the battalion chief in the building.  
The chief… Oh if I knew I was going to save his life that day.  
That nice calm day quickly turned into a nightmare when I entered chief Sullivan’s office and I found only his unconscious body lying on the floor. I still don’t know what exactly happened, he didn’t want to tell me the truth, but to me, it looked like he overdosed. It was terrifying.  
My whole body was shaking, and I was trying to remember what they told us at the academy. I tried to remember how to save a life, but my mind was somewhere else. The only thing I could remember was that one moment. One day. The day my mother suffered a heart attack.  
It was shortly after Ted’s death and I was seventeen. I had a weird feeling that day, so I skipped the last period and I came back from school earlier. When I got home, everything felt fine, I said hi to my mom and I went to get something to eat.   
We chatted about my day and everything was alright. That was until mom started feeling dizzy and kept nervously rubbing her chest. I was worried but I still thought it was gonna be okay. It was until she collapsed on the floor.  
“Mom! Mommy! What’s going on?” I screamed.  
“I love you, Emmett.” She whispered with tears in her eyes. Then she closed them, and her breathing slowed down until there was no breath at all.   
I immediately sat down to her and I tried to figure out what’s wrong. I was desperate and I started panicking. I called 911. They told me that help is on the way and that I need to start chest compressions.  
Mom’s body was lying on the floor with no signs of life. It was terrible. I was lucky the lady on the phone gave me proper instructions on the compressions because I couldn’t remember a thing. I started the compressions. I did everything I could. I sacrificed all my strength, all my energy. My arms were shaking but I knew I had to continue. I had hope. I hoped I could save my mom.  
I did everything the lady told me to. I continued with the compressions for minutes before the paramedics finally arrived. When they opened the door, they told me that I did an amazing job but I had to let them do their work now.   
So, I stood a few feet away from them and felt miserable. My whole body hurt like hell and my throat was tight, I couldn’t breathe. The tears were running down my face and I thought I was going to die. It was like my body refused to accept oxygen. I tried to breathe but the only thing I did were those terrible choking noises that still haunt me.   
I had to sit down to prevent fainting, but I still felt my lungs burning. I was having the worst panic attack in my life. My body was fighting me, and it was winning.   
Luckily there was one paramedic who noticed my struggles and handed me an oxygen mask.  
“Shhh, let’s breathe together, okay? You did everything you could. You did a great job. Breathe.”  
I closed my eyes and I finally inhaled some oxygen into my lungs. Everything hurt so I didn’t feel much better, but it was enough to survive. Later on, I regretted staying alive that day. Because I lost everything that day. She was my ally in the endless war against my father. She was the best person I knew. A woman who loved me the way I was.  
I couldn’t save her. No one could. But when she ended up in a black body bag, I still thought it was all my fault. For months and even years, I told myself it was my fault she died. That I killed my mom. My best friend who was always there for me when I needed her. That I couldn’t keep her alive.  
These were the darkest times in my life. If you think that losing two important people in your life in such a short time won’t cause you any mental problems, you are very wrong. It’s horrifying, especially when you are convinced, they both died because of you.  
I was able to save the battalion chief though. Finally, for the first time in my life, I felt like a goddamn hero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for kudos and for your nice words in the comments ❤️


	5. 5. A Rabbit Set Free

Travis doesn’t understand me. He acts like he knows everything, and he keeps on judging me with   
every look, but he doesn’t know how hard this is. He doesn’t know anything. He thinks I particularly   
enjoy torturing other people; he thinks I am mean and cruel but that is not true. I am capable of love.   
I love him. I love Travis even though I know I’m just a weak coward in his eyes.  
I was so confused with my feelings when I told Travis I had a girlfriend and I hoped that if he hates   
me, I will hate him too. That was really stupid of me. I should have known better.   
I want to get out of my cage, to shine with all of the colours of the rainbow just like Travis does, but   
it’s not that easy and he needs to understand that. I want to be able to do that; I just don’t know   
how.  
I wish there was a way to tell Alicia and not hurt her feelings. She is an amazing woman; she was   
always by my side supporting me. I really don’t want to hurt her, but I also can’t hide my obvious   
feelings for Travis.  
I had a nightmare last night. There was a huge fire, bigger than any of the ones I’ve seen in my life. It   
was terrifying. Both Alicia and Travis were stuck in that burning hell and I could only save one of   
them. I tried to cheat and save them both, but I couldn’t. So I saved Travis and I would do it again.   
And I have to choose him. Do a big gesture, I have to tell Alicia.  
“Can we go, little rabbit?” she asks me. She is wearing a beautiful blue dress and she’s gorgeous.   
Other guys would kill for a woman like her.  
“Of course!”  
I adjust my bowtie and I run my fingers through my hair. Then we finally head to the dinner I   
promised her. Alicia is smiling at everybody and she seems so happy in this relationship. I don’t want   
to break her heart, but I have to tell her because it’s worse with every minute.  
“Do you want to go for a walk?” she asks after the dinner. I nod subtly and I take her hand. I   
intertwine my fingers with hers and I give her a small kiss.  
We head to the port where the ferries are, and the sun is slowly going down. Alicia is fascinated with   
that view and it makes me smile. I love her. I really do… But it’s not the right kind of love.  
“Isn’t it amazing, Emmett?” she says with a sparkling smile on her face and she squeezes my hand.  
“Of course, it is,” I answer and I smile at her. We stop for a minute and our eyes are locked on the   
sea surface. It is calm and only a few stray waves glide towards the shore. Sound of the water is   
making me feel good. Is this the right moment? I really need Travis in my life. I want to not have to   
hide our love. I love him and I want to spend my life with him. Even now when I’m with my girlfriend,   
his deep eyes and freckled face are the only things on my mind. I can’t live like this anymore.  
Travis is right. I am a monster. I break his heart but also mine and Alicia’s. Nobody’s happy in this love   
triangle. I have to fix it.  
“Ali.” I say and I look into her excited eyes.  
“No… please don’t speak, let this be my moment, little rabbit,” she stops me. She is amazing and so   
happy; I can’t break her right now. I just can’t.  
“I love you so much, Emmett. You are the most incredible human being on this earth and when we   
went on our first date, I just couldn’t believe you went out with me… Of all the girls who wanted you,   
you chose me. You are so handsome, but the most important thing is your kind heart…”  
She reaches her arm and she lay her hand on my chest. My heart starts racing and I feel sick. I really   
struggle but I’m trying not to throw up all over her dress. What is she doing?  
“You are so thoughtful and generous… Your heart is made of gold and I can’t believe that this is   
reality… because this feels like the best dream ever.”  
This is not a dream. This is a bloody nightmare. And the worse thing is that I can only blame myself. I   
should have never gone to that first date. I should have left her the minute I knew something was   
wrong. I should have not let this go this far. It would be like ripping off a band-aid, now it’s more like   
cutting off my leg without anaesthesia.  
I feel like I might pass out. I can’t breathe and everything around me is completely frozen. I can’t stop   
this. It’s too late.  
“And hey, I know we’re both young, but I don’t want to risk losing you to someone braver than me,   
because you are my everything and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to live by your   
side, to take care of you when you get old. To carry your children… I want you and only you.”  
“Al…” I wanted to stop her, but she wouldn’t let me.  
“Emmett Dixon, I want you to be mine forever, will you marry me?”  
Her face was so cheerful, and she was desperately longing for my answer. But I stood there frozen   
and I couldn’t say a word. Hell, even breathing was a problem for me.   
I can’t marry her. I’m going to break her heart and it’s all my fault. I’m so selfish.  
“I…I…” I tried to answer but I started hyperventilating instead. But Alicia knows me, she knows how   
to handle it.  
“God, I’m so sorry, Emmett, I freaked you out, I’m so horrible.” She says with a scared voice and I’m   
so sorry for her. She makes me sit on one bench nearby and she’s trying to make me feel better. But   
she can’t, nobody can.  
“Alicia… I never wanted to break your heart,” I whisper and I feel a tear going down my face.  
“Hey, what are you talking about?”  
“I can’t marry you,” I whisper and I look into her eyes. I have to man up and face the consequences   
even if it hurts like hell.  
“What do you mean? What are you talking about, Emmett?” She says with confusion in her voice and   
her eyes are already full of tears.  
“I think… I think I’m gay.” I say quietly and I completely break down. “And I feel terrible for keeping it   
from you, but I wasn’t sure, and you made me feel so good… And I loved you, it was real. Please   
just… Can you please forgive me, Alicia?”  
Alicia looks at me and I can tell she didn’t see this coming and she doesn’t know what to say.  
“I am so so sorry, I never wanted to hurt you in any way,” I say with an ugly sob. “I thought it was   
going to be okay.”  
“Why didn’t you say something?” she asks silently, almost whispering. “All these weeks you were   
acting weird and Emmett… I asked you every single day if there’s anything wrong… I asked you a   
million times…”  
“I was fighting… fighting my feelings. I don’t want to be a sinner. I don’t want to be gay.”  
“Emmett… Hey! You broke my heart so now you listen to me, okay?” she says with a face full of tears   
and she looks at me.  
“Whatever your father says, this is not up to you. It’s not a decision. It’s the way you were born, and   
you can never… And I mean never overcome those feelings. And even though I’m so mad at you right   
now that I could punch you in the face, I still love you and I want the best for you.” She sobs.  
“And I could never forgive myself if you had to live with me even though I’m so not your type.”  
“Why are you so kind to me?” I say with a loud sob. “I am an asshole; I am so selfish…”  
Alicia shakes her head and she gently wipes the tears off my face with a sad look on her face. “No,   
Emmett. You are just a person who was so bullied by his father you felt you couldn’t be who you   
are…”  
“Alicia…” I whisper.  
“It’s okay… I’m going to be angry for a while… and I have to pick up all the pieces of my broken heart   
but… maybe after that… we could be friends? You know, I always wanted a gay best friend. I just had   
no idea that it would be my ex-boyfriend.” She laughs silently but I can see she’s really hurt. The   
tears are still rolling down her face and it’s so painful to watch because she doesn’t deserve that. I’m   
broken by the fact that she’s this sad because of me.  
“Thank you,” I whisper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your support 😊💖


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